Over the years, I have created more blogs than I can remember. I have written posts that have taken me hours to compose. But they hardly see the light of day because shortly after I put them out into the world, I find something I don’t like about them and I take them down. After awhile, my heart becomes so frustrated that I ditch the entire blog and laugh at myself for ever thinking I could write.
What I really struggle with is the vulnerability, wondering if people will be cruel or kind. Hoping no one will read it, and yearning for people to look at it. That has been a theme in my life, wishing I was invisible and longing for people to see me.
But I keep coming back for more. Time will pass and my heart begins to stir and my desire to lay my heart out in words and connect with people in a way that dives deeper than the surface becomes too strong to deny.
So I start another blog, and I tell myself it will be different this time. But it never is. I read what I have written over and over, and I critique every little part. Finally, I despair of ever being able to write something genuine, words that reflect my innermost thoughts and feelings with precision. I look back over what I have written and doubt my sincerity, question my motives, and detest my delivery.
I am not sure if this is how all perfectionists are, but this is how I am. I never see my writing as good enough, because I never see myself as good enough. I make it all about my writing, but really I’m dissecting my heart and declaring it unsuitable.
Somewhere along the way in my life, I determined that I am no good. The core of who I am is not worthy of expressing itself and be heard, I am unacceptable. These are the messages buried deep within me, and I live them out in ways that I am just now beginning to realize.
So with every effort I make to share my heart, I am there undermining myself at every turn.
Everything in me wants to erase my previous post The Truth Will Set You Free. I have already rewritten it over and over, and the challenge set before me is to just leave it alone. I’m sure there are some things about it that could be different, but I know I need to let it go. Ironically enough, the post is about me being set free, me, the heart of who I am being set free from false messages and beating myself up. I can’t help but wonder if every time I erase my words, I am trying to deny who I am, keeping myself caged, quieting the voice within that wants to speak. This blog is my battleground where the war is waged between who I really am and who I want to project myself to be.
I suppose me leaving up my writing and continuing to write is how I start to live out this truth that I previously wrote about. The struggle is real, my body feels tense and my mind wants to start filling up with negative messages. This is my process, this is where I start to be transformed.
This is where I walk the walk and not just talk the talk. This part is hard for me, but I also know that if I want different results I have to do something differently.
For me, that means that if I am going to believe that what God says about me is true — that I am loved, acceptable, worthy and glorious — I am going to have to start acting like it. So here I go…